I thought sex was taboo and a thing people did to be nasty. I had a misogynist view of a woman being touched sexually and that making her “destroyed”. Because of previous trauma, I had a detachment to sex. I was just really comfortable which is probably why that came about. He didn’t make me feel like I had to be guarded, or scared, or nervous. I was really comfortable with him, he was just different. I developed really strong feelings for him and vice versa. At this point we weren’t even quote unquote together, we were just friends. I don’t know how to word this, but this person was the first man I ever felt comfortable with outside of the males in my family. I can’t remember my first taste of sex, but I remember I was really young. Even when I was young, I remember dry humping with people. I was like, I wanted some candy, he has some candy, so I’ll touch his penis. I think my classmate wanted me to touch his penis in exchange for some candy. My earliest sexual memory was when I was 8, I was young (laughs). I felt just as close to my boyfriend then as I had always been, and although I knew that he wouldn’t be my husband or anything, I was and am still, very happy to have given my virginity to him. I was excited to share with my friends that I had finally been initiated as a woman but even then, I don’t think I said anything until weeks later. When it was over, I was expecting the world and the universe to shift, but I pretty much felt the same as I had always felt, just normal. But in my mind, the song that I knew I would lose my virginity to was “Take It Off (Dim the Lights)” by Pharrell, an album that I was absolutely obsessed with at the time, so that’s what I fantasized about while we were doing it. The soundtrack was whatever movie was playing. He was very gentle with me, making sure I was okay, until I no longer wanted him to be gentle. I took control, got on top, and eased my way down. When we finally went in the room, I wasn’t nervous but I was afraid from our most recent attempt that my first time might hurt. His friend’s family had a theater in the basement with an attached guest bedroom so that was the scene of the magic. The week of Valentine’s Day, it was clear from our body chemistry that we weren’t going to be able to put it off much longer so that weekend, we went shopping and eventually went over to one of his really good friend’s house for a couple’s movie night.
We had a couple close encounters before – making out then eventually into oral sex – but I told him I refused to lose my virginity in the back of a car so it was what it was. I always felt safe and protected with him. He was extremely respectful of me and my body. I was a junior in high school and had been with my on-and-off again high school sweetheart.
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